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I found my husband talking about BDSM on line with women behind my back. I would like to know how other?
people would react to that. Now he thinks it is normal and he has the right and when he tried it on me and I said it's not normal and I don't like it he was more mad at me saying it's just role playing like what actors do. What do you think about this. Please help.
Public Comments
- Light BDSM is quite common and normal as is role playing. But any such "play" should be between two consenting adults... key word consenting. It is only abnormal when it is heavy, obsessive, compulsive behavior and when the real intent is control and dominance.
- No. He has no right to force this on you, and this is a betrayal of trust. He is in the wrong. (This coming from a guy btw)
- I think it's best for people to reveal fetishes and interests before marrying, so they can know how their partner feels about such (in case it's a dealbreaker). In this situation, it's not appropriate for him to be looking elsewhere to possibly fulfill his fantasy, because you aren't into that. It's not an uncommon fantasy/interest, but it's also fine that it doesn't interest you. He's in the wrong at this point. He should've revealed his interest in this long ago so he could know it wasn't something you wanted to share with him. It's up to you to decide how to handle his behavior....where might it lead?
- I would suggest counseling. It's not normal, but he needs to hear that from someone other than you. Try to get a neutral party to help, a friend, a marriage counselor, pastor...
- BDSM is not a bad thing. Participating in it between consenting adults is perfectly fine. TALKING about in online with other people should be fine. However; PLAYING with other people (even online) is NOT fine. And doing it behind your back is even LESS fine. True BDSM is an intense emotional bond that is created between the dominant and the submissive. Because BDSM is based on trust you have to be totally open with your partner. It is this trust that is the downfall of so many BDSM relationships (and regular relationships too). He is not being honest to you and is emotionally cheating on you. Counselling is the recommended path to take at this point. k
- i think hes wrong. BDSM is okay and if he likes it, that's up to him. But he's married and he must respect that..... Chatting with other Women (rather than watching BDSM) is not fair to You whether he told You or not! If You don't like it, (and good for You for trying it) then that is it!!! If You didn't like oral, for example, he should NOT go on line to chat with other Women about it. No difference between that and Your case... Good luck...
- You should both take some time and talk about this in a calm manner - The definition of cheating and what not totally differs between relationships. BDSM activities are pretty normal and healthy. If you did experiment together and didn't enjoy it, that's normal and OK too. That's probably why he's going else where - for a lot of people the desire to experience these things is very strong. On-line, it is role play, there is a huge gap between the reality of playing an on-line game and having a real time relationship. This is complicated and the reason why i suggested you really converse about your limits and comfort level.
- Your husband is in danger of being recruted into a cult of violence. Because you have only just realised what is happeing and noticed the drastic change in him it is probably too late to do anything about it, but the first thing you need to do is find out how cults operate and how to deal with them. Do not be confrontational, you risk driving him further into the cult. Get as much information as you can, not just from sadists, they are trying to sell their lifestyle and like any cult and do not tell the whole story. Try to find people who have come out of the lifestyle: they will be able to give you much more information about what really goes on and might give you some tools that might enable you to get your husband away from the influence that sadism has over him now. You have every right to hold the opinion that somone who gets turned on by abuse, humiliation, torture or bondage is not 'normal' (whatever that is). Sadism is not the same as homosexuality. Gay people have a sexual orientation which means they have no choice about their sexuality. Sadists have a sexual preference, they choose to abuse: all the defences of sadism are about the right to choose, and you certainly have every right to criticise another persons choice especially if that involves teaching that abuse and violence are not only welcome in relationships, but that they are the sign of some hightened spitituallity that us 'vanilla' folk just don't 'understand'.
