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Please end my pain?

The woman I've loved and been with for almost three years keeps stringing me along, playing to my hopes and dreams, making it seem like what I want is truly possible - and yet causing me endless suffering every moment of every day. We are in a BDSM relationship with her as my Mistress and me as her Slave. At first things were truly beautiful, romantic and loving in every possible way. However, things degrade over time, and she is interested in polyamory, so for the last 2 years of the relationship she has been seeing other people along with me. She has always put me on the backburner in these situations, and it's a self-perpetuating cycle: my desire for more from her while she is sleeping with our roomate every night (if I'm lucky, I can sleep at the floor beside her) manifests itself in heartbreak and sulkiness, which in turn prevents her from getting closer to me again as her main problem with me is how I am clingy and manipulative with my emotions. I don't know what to do anymore. I spend every waking moment begging to some higher power to restore what we once had, while it is being flaunted about before me in her other relationships. But I can't let go - I need her, she is the only part of my life that has any purpose. I truly do not see any point to life aside from my relationship with her. I don't just mean this in the nicey-nice romantic way that people say. I honestly don't care about anything exclusive to her. I have spent awhile these last few months evaluating my spiritual beliefs in the nature of existence and consciousness, of the meaning of life and the point of it all. While I can find some comfort in the idea that there is a meaning to everything, a universal goal, in doing so I have found my own meaningless existence to be so trivially understated in the grand scheme of things that when I think about it now, I go into bouts of anxiety. The only personal goal in my life that gives me any will to do anything is to rekindle what we had. The only thing that is keeping me sane at this point, the only thing stopping me from diving into the cold, dark abyss of madness that comes with the realization that ones existence and experience is trite, meaningless, and will come to an end long before the universe has finished running its course is my pursuit of her. So I don't know what to do. I'm helplessly lost and drowning at sea.

Public Comments

1. Have you ever thought about writing a book? Your 'words' are incredible... sorry for your heartache... you need to leave this person and find someone that values you for you.
2. You allow it to happen , you create your own misery. leave
3. shut up and get back where you belong snot nose.
4. Don't make someone a priority when, to them, you are only an option...
5. I could not read everything but, the first half tells me that you suck and should put yourself out of your misery, a bullet to the head would be the best choice because you don't deserve to live. No I have a better option, will you be my slave?
6. "I'm helplessly lost and drowning at sea" Well I for one won't be calling the Coastguard!! Drown
7. Are you also polyamorous, or is it just her? Do you have other mistresses? I think you are right that you are pushing her away with your need to have more from her. At the beginning of the relationship when things were great, was she seeing other people as well or just you? If it was just the two of you at the beginning that is why you thought it was so wonderful. You had her all to yourself. But if she was seeing other people from the start, then you knew the rules. You can't rely on another person to make you happy and give you a purpose in life. That is way too much you are asking from her. It's a lot of pressure to be a person's sole reason for getting up in the morning. Either find another mistress, or find some other way to make yourself happy. If this mistress sees you being happier she may come back to you.
8. Simply put the dynamics of this relationship are not working for you. You can do better, love yourself enough to admit this isn't working for you and go, you'll find someone to adore you, perhaps a mama. You can be a slave by choice, or a dormat for her. If you choose to continue to be a dormat, you'll never be happy. There are people out there that would value your choice to be submissive and in return adore you for it. This woman is not your life, Your not getting any love from her, she is not your be all and end all. Choosing to be submissive is what would allow you to feel loving, it sounds as though she ordered it, so it isn't coming from your heart. good luck, you can be ok, you can learn what you need and find it. I prefer to be submissive to a submissive, it's a bit mellow, but we both want to give and please the other so it is enjoyable.
9. If you & your g/f are in BDSM relationship, then you should have expected what is occuring to you. Bondage and Sadoschism is one evil that one must not stray into - no matter how attractive it may seem. You can just pray that your g/f realises the futility of such craziness and returns back to you. By the way, what makes you sleep in the room where she is carrying out her sex-acts with other guys?